I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
