Don't make out with my wife yet
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
