Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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