What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize