I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
