he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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