i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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