i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
