just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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