If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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