I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
