chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
