i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
