mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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