my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
