twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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