I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
