Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
