He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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