Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
