morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
