i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
