I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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