I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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