You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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