i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
