Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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