It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
