the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
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