Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize