in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
