When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize