I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize