Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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