I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
