I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
