No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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