you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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