just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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