So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
