i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
