It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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