I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
