There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
be right there i have to get my cape
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
