If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
