I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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