textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
