My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
