Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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