Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think I won the penis lottery.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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