Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
