there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
