I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i think i just lost a toe
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
