just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
