i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
