If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
