did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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